


treading water

by cassandor



Series: beyond the beach [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, POV Cassian Andor, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 00:10:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11092809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassandor/pseuds/cassandor
Summary: cassian deals with the aftermath. (because people wanted a sequel, in cassian's POV). also fits @rebelcaptainprompts prompt #8: “agony, fingers, and shiver”





	treading water

She’s too light, too cold, too limp, her chest deathly still. 

His heart lurches in his throat as he sprints, leaving him gasping for air, Jyn’s head lolling in his arms. The only thing pushing him forward is the fact that she hasn’t let go of him. Despite everything, her fingers are still firmly intertwined with his, blood drying on her knuckles. Holding on tight. 

So he runs.

* * *

Cassian knows he’s scaring the technician with the look in his eyes. Despair had twisted his usually calm expression into something feral. 

“I can’t let go,” he almost hisses, almost begging. 

“Sir,” the young medic says, “you can’t come in here,” they explain for the third time. “You’re wasting time,” they add. Somehow the words reach the logical, functioning part of Cassian’s brain. _You’re wasting_ her _time_. 

So he lets go, turning away so he doesn’t see Jyn’s hand being pried away from his. 

* * *

This was the day Cassian learned the true meaning of agony. He didn’t pace the hallway in front of Jyn’s room in the medbay. He didn’t constantly peer into the little gap in the doorway to see how the medics were faring. He didn’t corner everyone who came out of that room and demand to know Jyn’s fate.

He waited, back pressed against the wall, sitting with his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. Passersby would’ve thought he was praying, but Cassian had given that up long ago. 

The deathly chill of the medbay seeps into his bones along with fear. _It was his fault_. He should’ve gotten there sooner, moved faster, aimed more precisely, ran more quickly. Cassian tries to shove the thoughts away - _this won’t help her_. 

He had dealt with loss before, so many times that it felt like an old friend. He knew the steps: mourn and move on. 

Even at Scarif, he had accepted his fate. But Jyn had been with him. 

Jyn had been with him. 

And now he was alone. 

 _She_  was alone. 

Cassian’s shaking, now, and he thinks he’s shivering from the cold. But he eventually pulls his hands away from his face, and the blood smears are damp with tears.

He rests his head against the wall, looks up at the brightly lit ceiling, timing his breaths with the flickering of the lights, a sob threatening to spill from his lips. The cold’s numbed his fingers, and he balls them into fists to keep them warm. He runs his thumbs over the knuckles, deep in thought. 

 _Jyn’s a fighter_ , he thinks, and his mouth quirks into something resembling a smile. There was nothing he could do now, but hope she could make it. Hope was what kept them alive. 

* * *

The door opens eventually, and the medic from earlier eyes Cassian warily. Cassian tilts his head back down to look at them, expression showing no hints of emotion. 

“Captain Andor?” the medic asks. 

Cassian nods, a fluttery feeling in his gut. Hope was a delicate thing, and when crushed there was no way to recover. He holds it tightly, not wanting to let it go. 

“Lieutenant Erso is out of danger. She lost almost two liters of blood, but she’s been patched up and should be healthy after a few days’ rest.”

Hope soars once again, and it delicately flutters in the palm of Cassian’s hand. 

“She’ll be awake soon,” the medic continues, trying to match Cassian’s neutral expression. “You can go in now, sir.” 

Cassian closes his eyes and nods. The medic moves to leave.

“Thank you,” he says and the medic gives him an apologetic smile. 

“We just do our duty, sir. I think you’d understand that.” 

* * *

Nothing, in Cassian’s eyes, could be as beautiful as Jyn’s eyes fluttering open. It sent shivers down his spine. 

“Eugh,” she groans, shifting to favour her uninjured side. “I feel like I came back from the dead.”

“More like, I dragged you back,” Cassian replies, giving Jyn’s hand a squeeze. He’d taken the same hand she’d been holding earlier as soon as he sat down by her side. 

“Huh.” Jyn lifts her hand - fingers locked with Cassian’s - and inspects it in the light. “You really never let go.” 

A guilty looks crosses Cassian’s face. “Actually, they didn’t let me in here when they were cleaning you up.”

Jyn grins, looking away from their hands and at Cassian. “I bet you tried. Oh man, I’d have paid to see the poor soul who had to deal with _you_. Maybe next time.” 

“ _Next_  time?! Wh-” 

Jyn pulls his hand close and presses it to her lips. “Kidding.” She wrinkles her nose. “Maybe you should go clean up. I might feel like death but you _look_ like it.” 

“I don’t to leave you.”

“You can physically let go, you know. I know you’re always with me, even if you aren’t _literally_  beside me.” Her tone is teasing, but he can tell she means it. 

Cassian half-snorts but knows she’s right. “Alright.” Jyn lets go of his hand and he reluctantly makes his way to his quarters, where a warm shower awaited. 

(The _next time_ , it turned out, Cassian still carried an unconscious Jyn to the medbay. But he found out soon after that it wasn’t always death that made people dizzy.) 


End file.
